


falling, crashing, and getting back up.

by waitingforalienstokillme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Bokuto Koutarou, Bipolar Disorder, Boys kissin, Fluff, Graduation, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda?, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Sad Akaashi Keiji, Soft Akaashi Keiji, Soft Bokuto Koutarou, They love each other, alright, at the end, basically akaashi is just so in love with him it hurts, bokuto graduating make akaashi sad oh no!, i was actually going to make this a lot sadder so youre welcome, just work with me here, no actual smut, written by an actual bipolar person lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:34:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitingforalienstokillme/pseuds/waitingforalienstokillme
Summary: Bokuto Koutarou was about to graduate high school. It was a simple fact, in the same way that the sky is blue and birds can fly.Akaashi Keiji loves Bokuto Koutarou.It is a simple fact, in the same way that the sky is blue and birds can fly and Bokuto Koutarou was about to graduate high school.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 11
Kudos: 83





	falling, crashing, and getting back up.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first HQ work, however i've been in the fandom since 2014 and so it basically was my comfort and stability all through middle/high school.
> 
> i guess it's kind of ironic that, just weeks before i start college, haikyuu ends as well. its a bit heartbreaking, but endearing as i guess it kind of represents me moving on and starting a new chapter of my life. i grew up with these kids, after all.  
> anywho-bokuto and akaashi have been my favorite characters since the moment they were introduced. bokuto being bipolar has always been a hc that comforted me to help me feel less alone. i really hope you like this-- more to come soon.

Bokuto Koutarou was about to graduate high school. It was a simple fact, in the same way that the sky is blue and birds can fly.

Akaashi Keiji loves Bokuto Koutarou.It is a simple fact, in the same way that the sky is blue and birds can fly and Bokuto Koutarou was about to graduate high school. 

It had been the three and a half days before Koutarou’s high school graduation where Keiji had thought, not for the first time, “God, he’s lost it.”

Bokuto suffered from bipolar disorder. It developed over time, maybe due to a broken family or something else. Keiji didn’t believe in a God, but if he had, he might’ve thought that it was God’s doing to make sure that Bokuto wasn’t the sun’s reincarnate completely. That he, too, had flaws.

Keiji had always hated it whenever Bokuto called it a flaw. It was simply who Bokuto was; a part of what made him so special, you know? 

There was nothing he could do to change Bokuto’s mind on the matter. 

“It’s not curable, you know?” Bokuto had said only once before, after taking a hard fall after a three-month long manic episode. It had been three months of pure, unadulterated joy and happiness. Their relationship had been at an all-time high, barely passing the six-month mark at the time. It had worried Keiji, though, seeing the side-effects of mania that Bokuto labeled as joy. The excessive amount of money spent on new interests that Keiji knew would go untouched after a week or two, the unmatched self-confidence that he had never seen before. He had wanted to be happy for Bokuto, but he had seen this before. He had seen the aftermath.  
“It’s not curable,” he had said to Keiji, a hushed whisper in the solace of his bedroom under a cocoon of blankets that was starting to smell stale because Bokuto didn’t want to open any windows. He didn’t want to shower, or eat, or take his medicine. “I’m going to be this way forever, ‘Kaashi,” he’d repeated over, and over, and over again, but he did not cry. He was not sad, Keiji thinks now, but he was very tired. He was not sad, but although it hadn’t dared to say it aloud at the time, Keiji knows now more than he did then that Bokuto simply wanted to die.

Because no matter how many times Bokuto got manic, and no matter how many times he crashed afterward, he had this scary-sort of hope that this time,  
he was cured. 

He had not seen Bokuto experience mania after that for almost a year. 

It had been his last year of high school, and they avoided the topic of the future right until the very end. It had been a good year, Keiji thinks, where they made it to the semi-finals at nationals and the pair’s relationship was as strong as ever. Bokuto’s mood remained relatively stable throughout the year, with small spurts of depressive days every now and then. It was normal. It felt like flying.

Bokuto got scouted for a V-league team at inter-high that year, and had been ecstatic about the offer for the following time, allowing Akaashi to finally, for once, help him with his studies so he could ride out the rest of his third-year in peace. It had been challenging- Bokuto had always been good at math, but English and History was another story. It was constant distractions that got the best of Bokuto during their study sessions that eventually, to Keiji’s dismay (and secret enjoyment), ended with the two of them on Keiji’s bed sharing heated kisses and hushed whispers. It wasn’t all that bad. 

However, with less than a week till Bokuto’s graduation, everything started to slowly tear at the seams. While Akaashi got more and more distant through his grief of Bokuto leaving and their uncertain future, Bokuto was riding high on life, denying that they had anything to worry about and that the world was finally starting to play on his side. He got more energetic, more restless, with less sleep and more dinner plates untouched as he claimed to be too excited to eat. That’s when Akaashi knew.  
He didn’t want to see Bokuto crash again, didn’t want him to start something he knew would end with four months of deep depression, binging, and complete self-hatred.  
Mania was always scarier than Depression, Akaashi had always told himself. Both were inevitable, he quickly reminded his brain. These parts of Bokuto, while he hated the effects of, were still Bokuto. He had to learn to love them, too. As much as he could.

The last three and a half days were a mess. It was not going to be a very long episode this time, thankfully, but seeing Bokuto begin to falter always hurt more than the last. He kept trying to keep spirits up, trying to make it last as long as he could, feeling this way. But his steps staggered, and his smiles came with a hint of hesitation. He did not want to fall again. Akaashi prepared for the worst while putting his own worries on the back burner. Bokuto came first.

They were lying on the gym floor, sweating and panting after an extra two hours of practice the night before graduation. It was quiet, getting quieter after their breaths slowed down a bit and their heart-rates calmed. Bokuto pushed himself, and Keiji in the process, too hard. He wanted to be angry at Bokuto, scold him for potentially damaging his health, but he could not find it in his heart to be mad. It hurt. He was tired. He wanted to play more. He wanted Bokuto to take him to nationals again. He wanted to do it all over again-- the pining, the hopeless longing, the awkward confession and terrible first kiss- he would do it all in a heartbeat if it meant they could keep playing. He never wanted it to end.  
He looked over at his boyfriend, and saw him staring at the gym’s ceiling, the fluorescent lighting shining off of the sweat that trickled down his forehead and into his wild hair that was beginning to fall over his forehead. He had never looked so beautiful, and hopeless, and sad. 

Keiji kept staring at him, shameless in the way his eyes skimmed over Bokuto’s lips as they opened and closed several times with no words escaping. This is it, Keiji thought. He’s going to fall and crash and burn and I’m going to have to watch it happen all over again.  
Finally, Bokuto spoke.

“Say, Keiji, does this mean I’m growing up?”

He had never called Keiji by his first name before.

“Yes,” he said.

“Ah,” Bokuto said back, and began to cry. 

Bokuto was a quiet crier, Keiji had thought off-hand. He had seen him sob before, scream and yell into his pillow as big fat tears rolled down his cheeks. He had seen him whine, and pout, and throw tantrums when he didn’t get his way. He had seen him crash, when tears stayed put behind his eyelids because he refused to let himself have the relief of letting them fall. But this was quiet. Only a few tears slipped down his cheeks, and his eyes remained glued to the ceiling. Keiji didn’t know which he preferred.

The walk home afterward had been quiet, and sad in the way that hurts really bad but there’s nothing you can do about it. Bokuto walked Keiji to his door, and they stood in front of it, staring at the dark wood in front of them but making no move to say goodbye. Keiji’s house keys were still in his backpack, untouched.  
“You’re going to make such a good captain,” Bokuto said after some time had passed, and when Keiji tore his eyes to him, he was surprised to see their normal light shining in the bright gold that looked at him. 

“I don’t want you to leave me,” Keiji said back in a rare moment of selfish vulnerability. “I don’t want you to go anywhere, and I want to keep playing volleyball with you.”  
Bokuto looked shocked, having never expected Keiji to say something so bold as his basic wants and needs. These things were often kept quiet; something Keiji never needed to voice out loud because Bokuto just knew. He knew, but this time, Keiji thought, just this once, he needed to say it.  
“I don’t want you to go to college, or to a professional team, and I don’t want you to graduate and I don’t want you to turn in your team jersey and I don’t want to--” his voice cracked, but Keiji held up a hand as Bokuto opened his mouth to interrupt his rambling. “I don’t want you to go. And you will, because that is your dream and that is what you deserve. And we will make do with stupid skype calls and not-often-enough visits by train and I will go to every one of your stupid games because I am so in love with you and your stupid hair your stupid smile and your stupid, fucking heart that I would follow you into hell if I could. But I’m telling you, just this once and never again, that I do not want to ever not be by your side.” Keiji cuts himself off with a gasp, and there are heavy tears rolling down his cheeks and running into his mouth and, god, there’s probably snot dripping from his nose, too, and--

“Keiji.”

Keiji shakes his head, his face burning bright red as he wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his uniform shirt.

“Keiji, look at me.” And so, reluctantly, he does. And Bokuto is staring at him with such a gentle smile that another sob leaves Keiji’s lips, and he quickly looks away and hides his face in his shaking palms.

Bokuto then sweeps him up into his arms, shielding Keiji away from everything he can, and digs his chin into Keiji’s shoulder as he whispers quietly into his ear. “Listen to me. Here’s what’s going to happen.

“Tomorrow, I’m gonna graduate-” a shaky exhale and a sniff comes from where Keiji’s face is buried into his collar. “And I’m going to cry like a big baby and you’re gonna act all cool and stoic like you always do-” a wet laugh mixed with a sob makes Bokuto smile, just a bit- “and then we’re gonna go play another 3-on-3 in the gym, and then we’re gonna make out in the locker room after. Then, we’ll pack together because I’d probably forget my underwear without your help-” gently shaking shoulders from Keiji’s laugh follow Bokuto’s small chuckle- “and I’m gonna go make a name for myself out there. And I’m going to call you way too often and make you do my English homework for me when I come see you and we’re gonna have terrible, awkward, sweaty dorm-room sex and you’ll hate it. And you’re gonna take Fukurodani to nationals and I’ll be in the stands, and you’re gonna go off to college and become a hot sexy literature major-” a swat to Bokuto’s bicep has him laughing- “and after that, you’re gonna have a million job offers and I’m gonna go to the Olympics and we’re gonna have a really shitty apartment in Tokyo that we can barely afford and--” Bokuto takes a deep breath, separating the two to look straight into Keiji’s red-rimmed, puffy eyes.

“And then, at some point in all that mess and stress and what-not, i’m gonna marry you. I will. I’m speaking it into the universe, or whatever.” Keiji stares back at him, frozen, a wide smile starting to part against his lips as he lets out a bark of laughter out of pure, true happiness.

“Koutarou, are you trying to propose to me right now?” he asks, and Bokuto puffs out his chest as red fills his cheeks and neck.

“No! Not now, anyway. Right now, all i’m asking is that you stay by my side long enough to get there with me. Keiji, you’re all I could ever want. Volleyball would mean nothing if there was no one there to cheer you on and give you unnecessary critique when you get home.” Bokuto rambles on, but stops abruptly at the soft touch of lips against his. He immediately shuts his eyes and pulls Keiji in toward him, dragging it out as long as he can.

When Keiji pulls away, his mind distantly reminds him that it was him who might’ve crashed this time, rather than Bokuto, who has never stood taller and prouder than he is right in that moment. 

“Then for the time being, Kou, I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment on what you thought!! bokuaka supremacy always


End file.
